Day 6

Sunday started out perfectly! Mr T. And I left the hospital after a night with Berkley and went to pick up Isabelle at my moms house for some church. It's a really weird feeling being at church with one of your daughters while the other daughter is stuck in a hospital bed. We needed to keep our lives sort of normal for Isabelle and Sunday means donuts and church to her, so we tried to focus on the positive and do our Sunday thing.
Church always feels like such a "safe place" and this Sunday was no different. After a great service, we headed out for a nice run. Throughout this entire stressful process running has become my meditation and peaceful time. I will definitely blog about that all later, but I will say that I have had some awesome experiences on my runs lately.

Anyway....after a great Sunday afternoon we headed back up to the hospital to check on our gal. We were immediately brought back to reality when the nurse said that Berkley didn't have a great morning and her score was a 12. (They score her a few times a day for withdrawal signs. The lower the score the better. We walked into the hospital at a 12-14, but lately we had been at 2's and 4's. So to get a 12 again, after 5 days, was devastating.)

They decided to put her back on a medication that might make her sleepy, but then she wouldn't be uncomfortable. Thankfully, that has worked! Last night her highest score was a 6 and today she has been around 1! She is more alert and eating great and slowly gaining weight. She is a fighter and has reached EVERY goal that the doctor has set for her.

The doctor said that he wants to watch her a few more nights, but that we should be able to go home by Wednesday! Such great news!
We are not out of the clear quite yet, and once she comes home she will continue a detox plan until she is completely off of all medication, but we are just ready to have her home again!
Thank you for your prayers and support! I cannot thank you enough!! 

 

We have been doing a lot of this lately. Holding/ipad-ing. Mr. T is watching every Shark Tank that's ever been made and I just started Season 1 of Downton Abbey. (I have only watched 2 episodes and I'm not hooked yet. Don't you worry though... I will give it a little more time!)

Day 4

We are still in the hospital. She is not doing so hot when the methadone wears off and so they are giving her some medication to help her sleep so she's not awake and in pain. They will wean her off the sleep medication before she can go home.
Mr. T and I took a break last night and went home to sleep while my mom stayed with Berkley at the hospital. It was a nice break, but we were ready to get back with her!

Isabelle keeps asking when Berkley is coming home because she can't come visit her while she is in the NICU and I have a feeling Berkley is ready to be home as well! We are praying for a speedy recovery, but we definitely don't want to leave the hospital if she's not ready. Thank you all for your sweet words and support! For more pics, follow me on Instagram at: anotherstepmel

We're a family of 4!

Berkley Nichole

Born March 23, 2013.

She is beautiful and perfect.

 

I'm so sorry if you follow me on Instagram and you got a glimpse of our newest member and then heard nothing more. Life with Berkley has been a whole new adventure and much more than we could have planned for. We are so excited that we were chosen to be her parents and our hearts have grown twice in size since we met her. She is such a blessing to our lives!

Let me start out by saying that Berkley's birth mother is an amazing, strong, courageous young woman. She has had a tough life and is fighting some addictions, but we know that she is strong enough to win. That being said, Berkley was born addicted to Methadone. We were aware that her Birth mom was taking Methadone to fight her long addiction to pain killers. Because she was pregnant, she could not quit her addictions cold turkey without the possibility of a miscarriage. Doctors told her that methadone was the best alternative. It would not cause any serious side effects, but they did warn that the baby would withdrawal when she was born and that it wouldn't be pretty. Methadone is not the same as Methanthetamine. I can't tell you all of the specifics about it, but google can. It is taken daily which makes the withdrawals that much tougher. We were warned that Methadone is the "best" drug to be on for babies if you are choosing, but that the withdrawals are the worst to watch because it was taken regularly.
We prepared ourselves.
We knew that 90% of babies born to mothers on methadone go through some sort of withdrawal, but we prayed to be in the 10%.
Then we prayed. And we prayed hard.
I didn't talk about the entire adoption process on here, because it was too hard and I didn't know what to expect. I also didn't want to hear judgement about Berkley's birth mom because we have gotten really close with her and we love her like a sister now.
 I regret that I didn't write about it now, because I know that this blog is a great source of therapy for me and can help others, but at that time I just couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that my daughter would be born addicted to drugs.

When she was born, everything was perfect. We spent three days in the hospital waiting for signs of withdrawal, but we saw none. She was doing great. We thought we had made it out of the "zone" and we were now safe. That our baby had beat the odds.
We were wrong.
The night we brought her home, she didn't sleep at all. We told ourselves that this is just what newborns do, but I think Mr. T and I both knew that something wasn't right. She was crying and she wasn't consolable. Her cry was different then other cries (high pitched) and she seemed really uncomfortable. Then morning would come and she would seem okay. She would sleep most of the day and so we just thought maybe she had her days and nights messed up.
We were in denial.
This went on for a few days and then things took a turn for the worse. The crying became an almost all day thing and we were exhausted and felt helpless. Our doctor prescribed medication that might help her, but it didn't. She was getting no relief and was clearly in pain.
So on Wednesday night, We checked back into the hospital.
We are here now and the doctors have her back on Methadone and will wean her slowly off. She is doing much better, but every day is a new struggle. We are fully relying on the Lord at this point and know that He loves her more than we can imagine and we are resting in His peace.
It's hard.
There are a lot of tears.
I want my family of four to be able to just do life together.
Isabelle misses her sister.
I miss my baby not looking "sick" in a hospital bed.
We're exhausted.
But we are filled with Joy.
We know that this is the war that the Lord has us fighting and we know that this is exactly where we are supposed to be. We are glad to know that we can be here for her during this time, but our hearts are broken for the MILLIONS of other kids that are fighting battles, like Berkleys, alone. We know that she will be fine, we just pray that it will be soon.
Please, rejoice with us in this awesome new blessing that we have been given and please pray with us that she is healed quickly and comfortably.
I promise to update you now daily.
She needs your prayers. Please.

Philippians 4:6- "Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done."

So What!

  This week I am saying, So What!:   -That I am breaking out like a 15 year old because my hormones/stress levels are going crazy. This adoption stuff is a lot harder than I thought.   -That I get really pissed annoyed when a woman says, "Oh, you're adopting? That's awesome, because you don't have to do all the hard stuff with a pregnancy." Okay, I've been pregnant and it is hard. And now, I've gone through the adoption process and for me it is so.much.harder. Holy loss of control batman! We have 2 weeks to go and time seems to be creeping by.   -That I have also heard a lot lately, "God won't give you more than you can handle". Which I believe is total baloney. I don't know if you have read the bible or not, but that's not the case at all...The bible DOES say that when we are broken down and can take NO MORE that the strength of God will be seen and I am standing on that promise. So let's go on ahead and quit saying that little phrase. Or at least to me...when I'm sensitive, hormonal and exhausted.   -On a less Debbie Downer note... So what that Isabelle is getting crazy competitive like her mama. She makes me race the cars when we are driving and when she was racing her older cousin and he was winning (he's 7!) she laid in the middle of the street and screamed and cried. It made me laugh (on the inside) because I am was the same way.   - That I am already getting nervous about March Madness. With Kentucky stinking it up and us getting a #1 seed,  I am feeling like the Jayhawks are getting all their MoJo together.   -That I worked on the "Rock Chalk Jayhawk" chant with Isabelle for TWO days, yet she still told her babysitter "GO AGGIES!" (Dang Mr. T.)

S*$t that Isabelle says...

Can you tell that her smile is fake? Mr. T told her to smile or she would have to sit on the Easter Bunny's lap...this is the smile we got. Parenting is all about threats, right? 

While I was putting away her laundry and bending down, apparently I had a little plumber crack going on:
Isabelle: "Ha! Daddy, look at that bum hangin' out!"

Immediately after going down the slide and she let a huge toot out:
Me: "Isabelle, do you need to potty?"
Isabelle: "No, I'm just tooting. No big deal."

Me trying to kiss her after a run:
"NO MOMMY! No kisses, until you get that sweat off!"


While racing her friend at the park:
Isabelle: "See ya sucka!"
Me: "Where did you learn that?"
Isabelle: "Bubba (her cousin), he's a funny little guy."


While walking through the stores and seeing manequins:
Isabelle: "Oh no! What happened to their heads?! They fell off!"

The worst Monday...

I hate the spring forward time change. Sure, it's exciting to be in "spring time", but I hate losing a precious hour of sleep. Plus, it's still cold outside. Barf.
My spin class still starts at 5:15 a.m., even though my body feels like it's 4:15. Double barf.
The good part about the time change? It hasn't hit Isabelle yet. She is still fast asleep which means I can watch country music videos (a favorite past time of mine) while drinking my coffee in silence.

 These guys don't make too much noise during my shows. And yes, that is how my dog ALWAYS sleeps.

I just realized I drank an entire pot of coffee by myself so hopefully I make it through the afternoon without a major crash. We shall see.

Happy Monday!

Life in Pictures

We have been busy lately enjoying the spring like weather and getting outside as often as possible...

 I love the way she mimics her cousin. She looks up to him in every way.

 I love the way that he looks after his baby cousin. He will make sure she is never in danger...but always keeps her on her toes.

 

Just a little calm before the storm.

And I'm so ready to dance in the rain.